My Baby Is Growing Up!!

I know I am not alone in this feeling- I am so sad that my little baby is growing up. Of course being as I have two older children this isn't the first time I have had this feeling, but knowing that Elijah is my last baby makes this time just a little sadder for me. I know that it is inevitable-but why oh why can't he just stay little until his Carter's wear out? Elijah has been in desperate need of a haircut for a long time now, but as usual it hasn't been on the top of the priority list money wise. Well on Saturday my sister Sara came over with her clippers and offered to cut it, and apprehensively I said yes. I thought we had settled on using the largest clip, but apparently not, (maybe a lack of communication, or just the way the stylist wanted it- I don't know). Well off with his hair, and the vast majority of it at that! He has a buzz cut which is not a style I have ever been a fan of. I know it will grow back, and I know that I should be grateful that my sister cut it instead of my having to pay someone to do it, but oh how I miss those blonde locks!! He doesn't even look like my little boy anymore- he looks like a big boy (pouty face). It has been a few days now and I am getting use to it, and have to admit he looks darn cute. I guess mommy's just want to hold on to the smallest thing until it is apparent that they can't hold on any longer. Elijah will be three next month and is by no means a baby, but he will always be my little baby. Well to all you mommy's out there- cherish every second because before you look the seconds turn into minutes, and weeks, and months, and years.

Venting

Today is a crappy day!! Mark and I got into a big fight yesterday, and therefore today he isn't speaking to me. If there is one thing I hate is the silent treatment!! Why we have to say such hurtful things to the people we say we love the most is beyond me. Believe me, I am not innocent in this either, I say hurtful things as well, but I at least try to apologize and set things right. I don't know if this happens because we fight as passionately as we love each other, or if there are things beyond repair that he is bringing to the surface of his heart. The idea of that saddens me, but if that is the problem then I can't fix them alone, and he isn't speaking to me. Our marriage has been filled with issues right from the start, and it feels like we have had to struggle more then things have been right and peaceful. This isn't the way a marriage is suppose to be. I know all couples experiences ups and downs, but when exactly do the ups become more frequent then the downs. I know that part of our vows said, "for better and for worse," but sometimes it feels like the worse is more then I can handle. I am mentally and physically exhausted from all of the fighting. I know I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself as there are people out there with problems much worse then mine, but sometimes a person just needs to vent without hearing someone tell them all the things they should be doing. Isn't it funny that everyone seems to have the answers to every one else's problems? Well I think I've spent enough time on the pity potty for today. Time to put my "big girl undies" on and and deal with things like a grown up.

Just Dance

Tonight is Rachel and Jillian's dance recital, and I am so very excited!! The dance studio where my daughters take classes, ( Kelly's Dance Academy ) always puts on a good show. Rachel, who is 9, has been dancing for 4 years and is an advanced tap and jazz class. I always get choked up watching her on stage. This year she is dancing to Walking on Sunshine for her tap routine, and Miley Cyrus' version of Girls Just Want To Have Fun for jazz. Rachel is really excited because tonight she will also be receiving her perfect attendance trophy again- YEAH Rachel! Jillian, who is 5, has been dancing for 3 years is in a 4+5 year old tap and ballet class. I love watching her smile and wave at me from the stage, she seems like such a little fish in a big sea up there. This year is bitter sweet though as it is her last year in the combined tap and ballet classes. Next year she will have to choose between taking a tap and jazz class or taking a ballet only class. She loves both, and I know it will be hard for her to choose. This year also brings and end to the frilly, puffy costumes that she looks so adorable in. Her class is dancing to Yes Sir I'm Your Baby Now for their tap routine, and Cinderella's Ball for ballet. All of the kids are amazingly brave to get up there on that stage in front of so many people. But enough for now. Good luck to my lovely baby girls tonight, and all the other KDA dancers. Thank you Kelly and staff of KDA for working hard to show off how talented all the kids are.

Welcome Home!!

Just wanted to take a minute and say, " Welcome Home Brosie!!!" Your Aunty Beck missed you very much, and can't wait to see you tomorrow. We are WAY overdue for snuggles, so make sure you get sleep tonight 'cause in the morning it's you and me kid. And while I am here welcome home to your wonderful mommy too. Reb I have missed talking to you without being interrupted by doctors, nurses, respiratory therapist, or some other medical personnel. See you both in the morning. YEAH AMBROSE!!!

Loving Who They Have Made Me!

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of someone else."- Judy Garland. This has become my new favorite quote as it is something I have to remind myself of everyday. With so many people pulling me in so many different directions it is hard to remember who I am. As a mother I often feel like I have lost part of my idenity. More often than not people call me: "Rachel's mommy," or "Jillian's mommy," or Elijah's mommy," instead of Rebbecca. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know who Rebbecca is anymore. I am certainly not the same person I was 10 years ago or even 5 years ago. I have been trying to mold myself into what everyone else expects me to be. Sometimes I miss the old Rebbecca, and often times wish I could go back to being that same person, a person with less things expected of her. But then I see a smile on one of my childrens faces or hear one of them laughing, and reality comes back to me. There is no one else I'd rather be than Rachel's mommy, and Jillian's mommy, and Elijah's mommy. They have made me better, and richer, and happier then I could have ever imagined that I would be. They are truely a blessing, and I love them all so much.

Where exactly does time go?

I can't believe that it has been five years since we said, " I do." Where exactly does the time go? Boy what a journey we have already taken; some of it so wonderful, some of it not so wonderful, but all of it shaping who we are and where the next part of our journey will take us. I love him so deeply, and even when I want to scream at him, I can't imagine my life without him. I hope he still feels the same about me. Who can say exactly what direction our lives are heading in the next five years, but I hope it will be together. I hope the bumps in the road will smooth out, that we can learn to communicate better, to involve each other in the little things more often, and show one another how appreciated they are. But for now this is all I will write, as my journey is not yet over.